Dieter Schweinhund

Have some wine! See this bottle? It’s a Chateau Petrus 1961. Ten thousand dollars it cost me, but I don’t care. I’m very rich, you know! You want Coca Cola in it? Tastes much better with Coca Cola. Half and half, and then it lasts twice as long. Ha ha ha! I’m famous for my sense of humour. I often make lots of good jokes. Here, let me show you around the house. WAYAN! Get the golf buggy, you lazy cretin! What do I pay you for, to sit around all day? Go on! Go get it now or I’ll beat you senseless! Wayan loves me, I’m like a father to him, although he’s 80, and I’m only 48. He used to own this very land where I built this house, you know. One day he came to me and said, Mr. Schweinhund, I know you are a fair and generous man, I need to borrow five hundred dollars to pay for the funeral of my dear mother. So I said, of course, be happy to help, I’ll only charge you 100% a month interest, but what security do you have, eh? He said he had this piece of land, three hectares, which had been in his family for thirteen generations. So I take the certificate off him, and of course he can’t pay me back, so I take the land of course, and now he has worked for me for twenty years to pay off the debt. That should teach him a lesson not to be frivolous with money, eh! But I’m a fair man, and every month I deduct three dollars from his debt, AND he gets a free bowl of rice every Wednesday. He is even allowed to sleep under my Mercedes. Rent free! Never let it be said that Dieter Schweinhund is not a man of charity!

I didn’t always have all this money always, you know. But I worked hard, and now I’m rich. Rich, I tell you! How rich? None of your damn business, but a lot richer than you’ll ever be, you loser. Ha ha ha ha! How did I get started? Easy. What’s the best business in the world? Cigarettes, of course! It costs a cent to make, it sells for a dollar, and it’s addictive! Ha ha ha ha! I had the concession for Tumor Light in both Nigeria and Uganda, you know. I did all the advertising myself. You want to hear the slogans I made up? Listen to this: ‘Kids! If school’s a drag, have a fag!’ Good, eh? It’s a play on words, you know. Or this one: ‘Pregnant? Smoke Tumor Light for a stronger baby!’ Soon I was rich. Rich, I tell you!

People say to me, they say: Herr Schweinhund, you’re a genius, they say. Genius businessman, inventor, legendary ladies man, they say. And I say; no. No, I say. I am an artiste. An artiste! Just like that Pitasso guy, or whatsisname, Leonardo van Rembrandt. I know everything about art! You see this velvet poster of silhouette of a naked lady in the sunset? My design! I design everything. I sold one to David Hasselhoff, who is now my good friend. Also to Uri Geller, who is an even better friend. You see the high-class aristocrats I hang out with?

I also designed this house myself. I hope you like it. It was featured in Asian Cigar Smoker Magazine last year. The ceiling height is only 1.8 meters due to a technical error, but look at this view! You see the whole of Discovery Mall from here! Twelve bedrooms, all with fire-proof glass windows, which is why you can’t open them. But the aircon is totally hermetic and can withstand a mustard gas attack. It’s all run by a 12 gigabyte thermo-nuclear reactor in the basement. You want to see? Only slightly radioactive.

Over there is the kitchen, I designed this, too. Look at the tiled ceiling, nice, isn’t it, with the Edelweiss motif, don’t you think?

We have many many parties here in this house. For my birthday, we had 40 spit-roast pigs, a Mariachi band playing La Cucaracha non-stop for six hours and a fountain of real champagne! We invited six hundred people, the best and richest people in Bali, I tell you! Three showed up: my bank manager, my gardener and my accountant, Hymie Liebenstein. He didn’t eat any pig, even though it was free, I tell you! Ha ha ha! I make such great jokes! We Austrians are famous for this.

Right. Finished. Now get off my land or I’ll set the dogs on you! Leave! Now!